If you've never seen this, then quit reading this bizarre series of ramblings and go buy it.
But for the rest of you, read on.
The Griswold family is getting ready for Christmas and as usual Clark is trying to make it perfect. After nearly the family killed, Clark finds the perfect tree. Which is far too big for the house.
But Clark has some grand plans, he wants to use his Christmas bonus to put a pool in his backyard. As Christmas get closer, the various members of the extended Griswold family arrives. Clark's parents and Ellen's parents are the first to arrive. During this time, Clark begins to work on putting lights on his house, 25,000 lights to be exact. But what Clark doesn't know is that the electricity is never getting to the lights, so they don't work when he is finished.
By the time the lights do work, Cousin Eddie and his family have arrived for a few months. Cousin Eddie is probably the best part of the series, but only when he has Clark to play off of. Because that spin-off TV movie was awful.
Anyway Clark and Ellen become concern about Eddie's children not getting any presents due to Eddie being unemployed for seven years, he's holding out for a management position. So they agree to get some gifts for the kids. Finally Christmas Eve arrives, along with the oldest members of the Griswold family, Uncle Lewis and Aunt Bethany. Aunt Bethany is senile as hell, most of the best gags come from her. Anyway she wrapped up her cat, which when released begins to chew on the Christmas tree lights. This causes the unfortunate death of the cat, which is funny no matter how many times I see it.
Eventually Uncle Lewis kills the tree with his cigar. Clark snaps and cuts down a tree in the front yawn. A squirrel escapes from the tree and goes on a rampage.
Soon Clark finally gets his Christmas bonus, which is a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club. He loses his mind and goes on a rant, inspiring Eddie to kidnap Clark's boss. When Eddie returns, his boss learns the error of his ways and gives Clark a bigger bonus. Then the SWAT team arrives to get Clark's boss. They learn what happen and let the family go. So Clark was finally able to give his family the perfect Christmas.
For some reason I've always hated Doug. Maybe because most of his
problems could be solved mind numbingly easily or maybe it was because
his dog Porkchop was a clear rip-off of Snoopy.
It
all starts when Doug and his friends are playing Hockey. Anyway Bebe,
the rich girl goes near some thin ice and Doug's dog goes to rescue her
by dragging her away. She thinks that she is being attacked and gets
hurt somehow. Porkchop goes to dog jail and is sued by Bebe's rich,
probably Republican father. The local media gets in on the story and
soon the whole town is thirsty for the dog's blood.
Doug tries
to use logic and reason, but is shot down by the incredibly stupid
town. So Doug, like in every other episode, retreats into fantasy and
delusion. Talking with various versions of himself styled as generic
film characters and Doug's lame superhero, Quailman. Seriously, Quails
are the worst bird on the planet. The only thing that they are good at
is getting killed and eaten.
Anyway Doug's imaginary friends
are unable to help him. Doug and his dog finally get their day in
court. Even though the entire town likes the dog due to his
extraordinary abilities, they still plan on killing him. Eventually the
agree to return to the crime. The girl falls into the ice and the dog
rescues her, clearing his good name.
So everything ends happily,
as if they would actually kill the dog in the first place. For what it
matters, I would have offed the dog. Teach the kids that sometimes,
shit happens.
I apologize to the aggressive nature of this review, my neck hurts and Tylenol has no effect on me.
The Big Lebowski as Santa Claus, what more could you want in this world? Made by the same folks that made the Christopher Reeve Superman films, this was rerun for years on Christmas Eve and imprinted itself in my memories.
We start out with Claus and his wife. He's a kindly toymaker who delivers them to all the children around him. One night a storm hits and he and his wife finds themselves in the North Pole. That is where the elves live and they've been looking for him and not for the Dude. See they are looking for the "chosen one" who will bring balance to the Force make toys for the rest of time and deliver them. They give him the gift of immortality and other magic powers. So then there is the longest montage in the history of film. It basically details the basic parts of the whole Santa gimmick, the suit, eating cookies, yadda yadda yadda. He even quits delivering to naughty children. Eventually we land at the late 20th Century, around the 1980s.
At the North Pole, Santa is looking for an assistant. One of the elves, Patch, wants to start mass production at the workshop. This works, but something goes wrong and the toys break. This causes Patch to leave the North Pole looking for new ideas. In New York during one of his runs, Santa meets a homeless boy named Joe. Joe and Santa become fast friends and Joe gets to travel with him on Christmas. During one of the deliveries, they meet Cornelia, a rich girl. Who had been kinda watching out for Joe by giving him food and Coca-Cola. I should add that the product placement is awful in this movie, not Mac & Me bad, but still pretty bad.
Anyway Patch winds up meeting B.Z., a corrupt toy maker. The two make a deal and Patch creates candy that allows you to float. It also turns out that B.Z. is Cornelia's step uncle. Patch delivers the candy on Christmas Eve and it is a huge success. Santa is proud that Patch is doing OK for himself.
B.Z. then decides to make Christmas II during the summer and sell the candy. But there is a problem, the candy becomes unstable with heat, but Patch doesn't know this. B.Z. captures Joe after he overhears this and locks him in a factory. Patch finds him and finds out that Santa hasn't forgotten him based on a toy that Santa made Joe. So they decide to fly to the North Pole and give Santa a year off. Cornelia sends a letter to Santa to warn him about B.Z.'s plan. He arrives and finds Cornelia. They two track down Joe and Patch, just as the candy begins to overheat and saves the two. They all fly to the North Pole and live happily ever after. As for B.Z., the police were on to him, so he ate the candy and floated up to space, where I assume he died in the cold, cruel vacuum of the black.
The movie suffers from the same problem that I have with Superman: The Movie, it loses something when it reaches modern times. But for the most part, the movie is enjoyable. It may be because I was pretty much raised on it, but I like it.
Made during the early days of World War II, this special shows a future where mankind has driven himself to extinction and the forest animals have created a civilization around a copy of the Bible. The cartoon was nominated for an Oscar and is pretty good despite being about the extinction of the human race.
